Conversations
by gottalovett
Summary: The missing conversations from series eight after Ruth came back. I am considering taking this into series nine though. Depends on wether people are interested or not.
1. Malcolm and Ruth

"_Hello Malcolm."_

"_I didn't think I'd ever see you again."_

"_I was happy Malcolm. Life was..."_

"_Calm?"_

_**Malcolm and Ruth 8.1.**_

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"Malcolm... please. Tell me."

He avoided looking her in the eye. "Is it something you really need to know?"

She didn't reply. She wore a gently, mocking smile and it scared him but not as much as her eyes. Those blue eyes were filled with sadness and desolation and there was nothing he could do about it. "Ok, ok," he said finally, "that was a stupid question."

"Malcolm," she almost whispered, "what happened? Adam's gone and Zaf. And Jo... Jo's changed."

"I can't speak for Jo, Ruth. She's a friend. You can talk to her."

"But the others?"

"Adam died saving London from a bomb threat." Malcolm's throat caught. "We thought he would make it out of the car he was using to get rid of the bomb."

"And he didn't make it."

Malcolm sighed and slowly shook his head. "He didn't make it. Ros saw the car explode."

Ruth was thinking of Nico. "Poor Wes."

"Harry was the one who had to tell him that his father was dead. Broke his heart."

Ruth's face softened for a second. "Something like that... it would."

"That's it really. There's no point in going into all of the details. Ros was appointed section chief and Harry did a prison swap for Lucas. Lucas used to know Tom."

"Tom? Are you sure?" Tom was a painful memory for both of them, had been now for a long time.

"Yes. I'd know. I've been in this job for years Ruth. I knew Lucas when Tom did. You can trust him. He'll do the best he can for you and your family."

Ruth nodded. She knew Malcolm wouldn't lie to her. "And Zaf?" She was remembering Zaf's smile, the way he had gently flirted with her the first day on The Grid. She wondered if he had smiled at pretty girls who reminded him of her, if he walked away like she had asked him to. Adam had been a friend but in some ways Zaf hurt more. "Zaf didn't die too? Please tell me he didn't." She was almost begging now.

But Malcolm couldn't tell lies. Not to Ruth. "He was tortured and murdered by The Redbacks. They're a group who sell agents on to the highest bidder, but not before they have pumped them for information first." There was no way to soften the blow.

Ruth's face crumpled. She was crying. Malcolm put a tentative arm around her. "I know Ruth, I know."

They stood there in silence, his arm awkwardly around her as she cried bitter tears. "I should have been there for them. I should have been there."

"It wasn't your fault Ruth. It was never your fault."

"Why can't I believe that Malcolm?"

He never replied.


	2. Ros and Lucas

_I liked the comraderie between Lucas and Ros and I hope that kind of comes across in this fic. I also kind of think it would be weird for both Tariq and Lucas not to question who Ruth is just a little bit at least. Next chapter will be Ros/Ruth._

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_Lucas North:__ [Seeing the tunnel ahead blocked] Shit!_

_Ros Myers:__ Whose idea was this?_

_Lucas North:__ I forget!_

_**Episode 7.8**_

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"So Ros..."

"Lucas. Already bored of Nancy Drew I see?"

"I'm not letting the team down just yet. I've got her asking around."

"Good." Ros turned to walk through the pods. "Off to interrogate, Lucas. Can't keep him waiting."

"Ros, this will only take a second."

She turned around, and shot him her token ice queen annoyed expression. "What now Lucas? The clock is ticking..."

"This Ruth Evershed. Who is she?"

Ros rolled her eyes. "And I thought you were an intelligence agent. They must have left out the first part when they enlisted you. Read the file."

Lucas grinned. "Oh sure. You mean read the highly classified file that I can't read without Section Head clearance?"

"Oh hardy har Lucas."

"So come on. Bit of background please, or am I going to have to wait till Harry debriefs The Grid."

Ros smiled. "You'll be waiting awhile."

"What? It's professional protocol and Ros... we will get him back. We will."

"That's not what I meant Lucas. Ruth was always Harry's rose tinted blind spot."

"Romance on the Grid eh?"

"Yeah Lucas, you could say that," she paused and smiled at Lucas, "but if you mention this conversation in Harry or Ruth's hearing I will be forced to take extreme disciplinary action."

"Woah," he whistled, "that bad?"

"Oh Lucas, how much you have to learn."

"But she's good at the job right?"

"Harry trusted her you idiot. She's one of the best... possibly the best analyst this section has ever had..."

"Yeah but according to Harry? You'd trust his judgement after what you just said?"

"No actually. But I would trust Malcolm," she replied softly.

"Alright. Alright. That's me finished for the twenty one questions. I know when I've hit a bruise."

"Ruth Evershed is not a sore point for me," she scowled.

Lucas leant back from where he had his arms resting on the table. "Yeah right."

"Look Lucas. It's complicated. I did something I'm not proud of. Ruth was involved. I have yet to talk about it with her."

"It can't have been that bad. Harry still made you Section Chief didn't he?"

Ros laughed. "Not jealous are you Lucas."

He shrugged smiling. "Maybe... just a little... nah not really. But anyway, stop changing the subject Ros."

"I was made Section Chief after a number of years had passed since the Ruth Evershed incident. You would have liked me a lot less back in those days. I was very bitter, I suppose."

Lucas looked guilty for making Ros bring up past memories. They were obviously shameful as well as painful. "It's Ok. Ros. I don't need to know."

"No. I don't suppose you do. It doesn't change the fact that when we rescue her and Harry there'll be a conversation that I will have to have..."

"She'll forgive you."

"So sure Lucas?"

"Call it my prison instinct. I got good at reading people."

"I hope so," she said quietly and then turned and exited the pods unsmiling.


	3. Ros and Ruth

_Ok I don't know if I'm entirely happy with this (I find Ros very hard to write for) but hopefully this kind of works. Next chapter is Malcolm visiting Ruth after retiring._

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__Ros Myers__: [__after Zaf refuses to tell her Ruth's location__] It's all right, I don't need to know. I just hope she's well hidden, that's all, because there's going to be a full-scale witch-hunt. Just hope she's got a broomstick._

_**Episode 5.5.**_

There was a knock on the door. Ruth was in a safe house again. She had been dropped here by an MI5 officer from a different section. She had been too distraught to control herself at the sight of anyone from Section D. The sight of even Lucas, who she did not really know, brought her to tears. She supposed it was someone come round to check up on her. Another nameless face if she had any luck.

She opened the wooden door. It was Ros Myers. Her eyes widened, and she considered slamming the door in Ros' face but then she thought even that would take too much energy. It wasn't Ros' fault that George was dead.

"Hello," she said finally.

Ros raised an eyebrow. "Ruth. This isn't on official business. You'd be well within your rights to..."

Ruth interrupted her. "I know what my rights are. You don't have to come preaching them to me. Just tell me. What do you want?"

"Can I come in?"

Ruth studied Ros' face. It was serious and unsmiling but surprisingly there was pity in her eyes. She nodded and soon they were both seated on the safe house lounge.

"You know what this is about already," Ros said after awhile.

"Yes," Ruth said quietly.

There was something else in Ros' green eyes now and what Ruth saw there shocked her. It wasn't just pity. It was fear.

Ros' voice was calm and collected and somehow that made what she said more powerful. "Why didn't you slam the door in my face Ruth? Why didn't you hit me? Shout at me? Scream at me? React? I ruined your life Ruth. I ruined your sole chance at happiness."

"I thought that too sometimes Ros, on my more bitter days, but there was no point in the end, on dwelling upon it. You can't go back. You can never go back. It didn't matter how it happened, why it happened. I had to make a new life for myself. There was no other choice."

"And now that choice has been taken away for a second time." It was a statement of fact.

"Don't... please."

Ros looked her in the eye and braced her shoulders. "You're absolutely right Ruth. That was... entirely selfish of me."

They sat in silence. After awhile Ruth got up and tried to pour them each a glass of wine. She began to cry at the sight of the bottle. It had been a vintage George had loved. Ros had said nothing. She had taken the bottle out of Ruth's hand and poured the glasses steadily. She passed Ruth the tissue box.

"When Adam...died, I went home and threw things about my room. Smashed valuable things to pieces."

"Did it help?"

Ros smiled sardonically. "A little."

They sat down and were silent again. Eventually Ruth began to speak. "You've changed Ros."

"You've been gone two and a half years Ruth. People do change."

"You know, when I first started out in the service I replaced a woman called Tessa. She was a cold, hard bitch. She turned our secretary with lies. I was the one that realised what was happening. Tessa never apologised, not to me, not to Harry, not to her protégée Zoe. Tessa was always right. It was everyone else who had to pay. Never her. Once upon a time you reminded me of her."

"And I don't anymore?"

Ruth shook her head. "No Ros. I know how much coming here must have cost you."

Ros stood up. She held out her hand to Ruth. She grasped it, shook it once. "I underestimated you Ruth. I thought that because you cared you were weak. Showing emotion is not a weakness."

"Isn't it?"

"Never say that it is Ruth, never say that it is."

"Ros."

Ros paused and turned back.

"I'm not coming back you know."

"I wasn't trying to convince you otherwise. I'm not Harry's lackey. You should know me well enough to know that I wouldn't act as some messenger girl."

Ruth shot her a weak smile. "I shouldn't have doubted the great Ros Myers." She waited till Ros' hand was on the doorknob to leave. "And Ros..."

Ros turned around. There was respect in her green eyes that had never been there before.

"Thank you."

Ros smiled. Her eyes were glistening, though she would never have admitted it. The door shut and she was gone.


	4. Malcolm and Ruth: Retirement

_A little short discussion between Ruth and Malcolm after Malcolm retires. Next chapter after this will be Lucas/Ruth I think. Hope someone out there enjoys this :) _

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_Malcolm: "Ruth's angry with you."_

_Harry: "I know."_

_Malcolm: "You were right, though."_

_Harry: "Perhaps. You saved the boy though, Malcolm."_

_Malcolm: "Harry, I want to retire."_

_Harry: "You've given such service."_

_Malcolm: "Serving my country. In spite of everything that goes with it."_

**Spooks 8.1**

"Did it ever get any easier Malcolm?"

"What do you mean?" Malcolm was being deliberately obtuse.

"Colin."

He was silent for a long time before he looked at Ruth. "It's no use lying is it? They're always going to be there aren't they, tucked away at the back of your mind. Sometimes the grief will be more painful than at other times, sometimes it's just a dull, boring, repetitive ache." He paused. "But you know something Ruth, death in itself is natural. We all die in the end. Colin and George died because of murder and that's harder, so much harder to live with, but the thing you've got to remember is, they wouldn't want us to spend our whole lives grieving."

"I was afraid you would say this, try to push me into the positive. You know it won't work, not with me."

He wasn't looking at her again as he changed the subject. "I'm leaving Ruth. I handed in my resignation today. That's me done; finished, kaput."

"But..." she looked genuinely shocked; the last stable anchor who wasn't Harry crumbling, "but what will you do? You live, breathe for the service... like...like..."

"You did," he finished her sentence for her gently.

She nodded. "I don't know who I am anymore Malcolm, what I'm meant to be."

"I felt like that too at first... in the weeks after Colin died... but it gets easier... with time."

"That's not why you're leaving though is it?" and Malcolm cursed himself for not realising that Ruth would have him figured out, boxed in, analysed.

"I've seen too much Ruth. I went into that safe house like a headstrong fool and I escaped with my life... and with Nico's, but only just. It finished me in its way. I wasn't made for that kind of death defying excitement."

"That's not the truth though, is it Malcolm? It's alright. I already know. It's because of me."

"No, Ruth. Believe me, it's everything. I've been in this job for years; it's time I had some freedom of my own."

She was glaring at him. "We've been friends for a long time now Malcolm. Don't you dare lie to me."

He shook his head helplessly.

"It won't make a difference, Malcolm. I've already told Ros. I'm not coming back, not ever."

He smiled, just a ghost of a mischievous grin, "never say never eh?"

"I don't think so Malcolm. The things I've done, the things I've seen. I'm like you. I've had enough."

"No Ruth. You're wrong. There is a difference between us."

"I don't see it."

"Don't you?" His words hung in the air long after he had said his real goodbye.

_"You have someone to stay for."_

And the word that everyone was too afraid to say but hung to the sentence, connected like pen lines through dots.

_Harry._


	5. Lucas and Ruth

_I tried to imply some Lucas/John in this but it was difficult so sorry if it doesn't come across. I liked the parallels between Ruth/Lucas in series nine and I think its a shame they weren't picked up on further. Ironically, the only times I ever believed for a second in the Lucas/John plot were the Ruth/Lucas scenes of 9.8. I've had a terrib;e night and day so reviews are love._

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__Lucas: The only person I was ever afraid would find out...was you._

**Lucas to Ruth Spooks 9.8. **

Ruth had her arms resting against Millennium Bridge. She was waiting for Jo. Of course it had been Jo who had approached her initially, but Ruth had missed knowing people, so in the end she had asked Jo to keep meeting her. She started when it was Lucas, not Jo who stopped by her side.

"Where's Jo?" she said shortly. She wasn't in the mood for Harry's games.

"Couldn't make it. To be honest, she's worked herself up about Bibi. She's made the situation her own personal project."

"Did Ros say that?"

Lucas smiled. "How did you know?"

"Experience. So you've told me Jo couldn't make it. You can go now."

"I came as a favour for Jo, yes, but I also wanted to speak to you myself Ruth."

"You don't even know me!"

"Not really no. I know that the people that did, value you, love you a lot," he smiled again, "and that's enough for me."

"Still doesn't explain why you're still here." Her blue eyes searched his but she couldn't read him; there was something about him... there was a hidden darkness, a fierceness that she didn't understand.

"We're not so different Ruth. I know things have been hard..."

She snorted in disbelief.

He held up his hand to cut her off. "No. Listen Ruth. Please. You don't know much about me do you?"

She shrugged. "No. Malcolm said you knew Tom."

"Yeah. He was a good bloke."

She nodded and he took it as an invitation to keep talking. "I know a bit about hardship Ruth. I was caught by the other side, put in prison in Russia for eight years, tortured. I never had any companionship but my captors. I came home and my wife had moved on. There was nothing left but Harry and MI5."

"Don't you dare talk to me about hardship, Lucas." Or about Harry was the unspoken implication.

He didn't take offence. "I was angry at Harry too. For a long time. After all he never tried to get me out. Not really."

Ruth was interested in spite of herself. "He wouldn't would he," she said bitterly, "duty always comes first."

"It was necessary. People like Harry are necessary, but that doesn't mean they don't feel the unjust, unfairness of it all."

"You're very loyal for a man who had eight years of his life stolen from him."

"Loyalty is all I have left. There's one thing you should know about me Ruth. I'm always loyal to those who I consider my friends. I don't leave anyone behind."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because Ruth, we all know that you're upset now, but someday, maybe a day quite soon, things won't look quite so grim and you'll realise there are people who care about you waiting."

"First Malcolm and Jo and now you. Why don't you all just leave me alone?"

"Come on Ruth. I'm a field officer, not an idiot. Jo told me that you wanted to keep speaking to her."

She looked out at The Thames and refused to look at Lucas. He sighed. "All I'm saying is that good days follow the bad and when that good day comes, we'll be waiting for you."

"I still don't see why you care?"

"Does everything in life need a reason?"

"I'm an analyst Lucas. Yes."

He sighed again. "You'll learn things the hard way like I did. Sometimes there is no reason, no all revealing answer and we have to take a leap of faith."

"I find that hard to do," she whispered.

He put a friendly arm around her. "I know Ruth. God help me, I know." He looked grim and frightening and for a second Ruth was afraid, but then the moment passed.

_He's just Lucas, _she thought_, just Lucas._


	6. Jo and Ruth

_Jo: "Pretty convenient for you, though, isn't it? Lets you just bail out when the going gets tough and abandon your officers to their fate."  
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_Adam: "I didn't –"_

_Jo: "We left Zaf to die in fear and agony. And you left me on my own. Remember that?"_

- **_Episode 6.10_**

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"Do you remember when I first started Ruth?"

Ruth actually smiled and the smile reached her eyes. "You saved my life. Thanks for that."

Jo laughed too. "Can you imagine me as a journalist? That's what I set out to be."

"Life would have been a lot simpler. What happened Jo? What happened to all of us? We're a psychiatrist's worst nightmare."

There were shadows under Jo's eyes. She didn't answer Ruth for a long time. "We did our duty. We all did our duty Ruth, and it was worth it. We've saved lives, protected our country. We've achieved more than most."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I have to believe it."

Ruth was studying Jo's face. "You're like Ros. You've changed. There was a fresh faced innocence about you when I knew you. That's long gone isn't it."

"Things happened while you were away. Bad things too Ruth. All of us have suffered in some way, Harry just as much as the rest of us in his own way."

Ruth frowned, moved closer to Jo, whispered, "Tell me."

But Jo was no longer there on the steps next to Ruth, she was back in the darkness, back with false French endearments, creeping hands, night time horrors and running, running, running until both feet bled.

The silence grew. Jo looked so vacant. It was as if Ruth wasn't there at all. Finally Jo moved, shook her head slightly, woke herself up. "It doesn't matter Ruth, honestly it doesn't. There are some things that can never be explained."

"Malcolm said Zaf was killed by The Red Backs. That must have been hard Jo. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you."

Jo shrugged. "Don't be. I got by." She shuddered once. "They got me too Ruth, they got me too."

"But you're still here. They didn't break you."

"The scars aren't visible ones, Ruth. There are things worse than murder, worse than torture." Her voice dropped, "It's just what they do to women they capture. It's just what they do."

Ruth's throat caught and constricted. There were tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, so, so sorry."

Jo smiled gently. "I already told you Ruth; don't be. Ros taught me something you know. In this job it's the women who pay over and over. We have to be stronger than the men. We pay the highest price, but we always survive."

Ruth said nothing.

'Be strong Ruth. Come back."

Ruth forced out a smile, nodded hesitantly. She was still trying not to cry. Jo gripped Ruth's hand tight. "It's alright to cry Ruth. It's alright to grieve. But don't let the pain rule your life. I did for a long time and it never helped me to move on."

It took Ruth a long time to answer. "If you managed Jo, I will try my hardest." _Every time I see you Jo, I will draw strength from your bravery._

Jo smiled with relief. "I'll go tell Harry."


	7. Harry and Ruth

_And it's angst central here today. Sorry for the delay in updating. I wrote this on the train home from university. Next chapter is Lucas/Ros in an attempt to dig further into their friendship and lay down some actual underpinning for series nine Lucas. If you have any suggestions for missing conversations tell me in the reviews and I will do my best!_

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_Ruth: We couldn't be more together than we are right now._

**Spooks 9.1**

She knew before he even put the phone down; it was in the resigned slump of the shoulders, in the way the phone cord hung limp in his hand, in the way he furtively glanced towards her, hoping a look would be enough and he wouldn't have to face the weight of her grief as he told her the three simple words, "Jo is dead."

She felt like a thief, a sneak, and just as foolish as her first day on the grid, with her ear pressed against the wall of Harry's office but she had to know the truth and a part of her was too proud to ever just ask.

She remembered Danny dying, remembered being left all alone in the church, limp and still. Harry had come back for her then but he hadn't now. _I said I'd be brave like you Jo, but what was the point of being strong for you, if you left me like Tom did, like Zoe left Danny, like he left me in turn. What was the point of it all if being brave means you die too young, if it means you never get to experience a real life? What's the point of allowing yourself to love and to feel if it hurts like this? Oh Jo- why don't you answer me?_

A lump rose in her throat and she slammed her fists into the wall. The pain ringing through her knuckles didn't help matters at all. She still cried, her face pressed hard into a hard, unforgiving surface. _Come out Harry. Please. Please God come out. _

His hand was heavy on her shoulder. "I..." his vice caught. "I...I'll miss her greatly."

"She persuaded me to come back," Ruth said, her voice was flat and broken. She wouldn't turn her face away from the wall to look at him. He leaned next to her instead.

"I know. She was a beautiful, kind, caring friend. All of us will miss her now that she is gone."

"How did she die?"

"Look at me Ruth." His tone was soft and low.

She shook her head. "I can't. Please. Just tell me."

He sighed heavily. "Jo had the detonator in her hand. It was about to be pressed by the man she was trying to restrain. It was Ros that fired the bullet that killed Jo. She said that it was necessary, that those big, blue eyes of hers were begging Ros to do it. She had no choice."

"I don't blame poor Ros."

"No. But you blame me."

"You let her in there."

"I had to Ruth. It's my job. These decisions I make are hard Ruth. No one ever said that they weren't. These choices are part of who I am."

"I know that."

"Then why are you still angry?" His voice rose.

Finally Ruth looked at him. Her eyes were red and swollen. "Please don't let's talk about this now. Not after Jo... out of respect to her memory. A friend just died. We both deserve the chance to grieve." She began to cry again, choking sobs.

Harry found himself holding her in his arms, stroking her hair, his mouth pressed to her head and the truth of the matter was he wanted to cry himself, but he couldn't. He had to be strong for her. He just had to be there.

The phone was ringing, insistent. They ignored it. It kept ringing.

Ruth looked up. "Don;t you dare pick that up Harry. Not now."

He looked back at her helplessly. "I have to."

Her expression was one of infinite sadness. "I suppose that you do." She pulled away from him, wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry for making a scene," she said, cold and brittle.

Harry stared. The phone was still ringing.

Ruth smiled but the smile never reached her eyes. "You'd better pick up that phone. I'll catch the last bus."


	8. Tariq and Ruth

_I was going to write about Lucas/Ros and then I realised I'd left out poor old Tariq. If anyone deserves a missing conversation it's him. I always got the impression that Tariq kind of idolised Ruth, especially in series nine. This is digging down a bit into the why of that. Next conversation is Ros/Lucas and the secrets they keep from each other as well as their special trust in each other. I think I might leave it there after that unless anyone has suggestions for me. After all, for one review this fic was saved. Thanks to Philippa for reviewing the last chapter._

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_Tariq to Jo: Come on. I want to walk in with someone on my first day._

**Spooks 8.2**

She was surprised that the light touch on her shoulder wasn't Harry's. She put down her folders to stare at Tariq. He opened his mouth as if to say something, his mouth twisted painfully, but then he balked at her enquiring glance, shrugged his shoulders, let out a subdued, "It's nothing."

Later on she caught him staring into space instead of tracking terrorists on his computer. She saw the edge of a crumpled handkerchief peeping out of the corner of his clenched fist. She felt anger well up. Where was Harry anyway? _She_ didn't even know Tariq for Christ's sake. That didn't matter. She was the one who would be working with him. She was the one who hated to see other people upset, who could never just let something go. With a repressed sigh she went over to Tariq and sat awkwardly on the edge of his desk.

"Tariq. Do you want to talk about it to someone?" She could feel tears prickling. "I knew her for a long time."

"Jo was the one who brought you back. You mean a lot to people around here Ruth." There was something in his expression that she couldn't quite place.

"I'm not going to lie to you Tariq. This job is difficult, sometimes it's unfair and sometimes terrible things happen and people we know die. If we believe in this job we have to keep going, try not to think about it too much. It's the only way."

Tariq was looking at her sceptically. "She recruited me. I'd only just started. She was my mentor and she lasted weeks into my new job before she was gone. Are things always so impermanent here?" Are people always so cold? Was his unspoken, adolescent tinged assumption.

He was so young. That was all it was. He was young and cocky and he had thought that he and the rest of the young and the beautiful were invincible. The dream was over. Death had visited and taught him he was wrong. She would never mock someone for that kind of naivety. She had been there once, far past the date she should have been. It wasn't Tariq's fault he had believed in the new heaven and the new earth.

He smiled. "It's strange. I mean, I don't really know you at all. I sit here and speak the technicalities the rest of you can't even pretend to understand but I don't really know any of you, I was never close to any of you. There was just Jo."

"And yet?"

"You have past, you have history. I can't hope to understand all of that. But someone told me that you also were the source of this section's humanity; you were always around for people, always kind and always careful of other people's bruised feelings. They were right. Don't ever give up on being that person Ruth."

"Malcolm?" She asked with a catch in her throat.

Tariq smiled. "The very same. Who else?" He used his elbows to push a plain book further under loose sheets of paper, trying to look causal. The name on the inside was Tom Quinn. Tariq thought it was a diary or something. There was an analysis of something called an EERIE exercise towards the back. Ruth had gotten a good write up.

But Ruth didn't notice. "That was kind of him. I'll miss him."

"I'm still around," he said hopefully. "Chained to this desk and with Ros on the case I'm going nowhere."

She laughed. "I'll remember that the next time I need to chat."

His eyes were sincere. "Do. It'll keep me sane."

_Perhaps me too, _Ruth thought. Instead she smiled and nodded, turned to go but then thought of something. "I find it hard to talk about emotions, about how I feel, about grief. But that doesn't mean I don't care."

Tariq was surprised. "I know." He said it matter of factly, like anyone could have seen it. Was she really that transparent? "I wish..." he tried to say but then he shook his head again.

"What?"

"Nothing important."

_Since Jo's been gone it seems you're the only one that does care, Ruth. Malcolm and Jo were both right. The soul of compassion. I'll stay while you stay ok? _


	9. Ros and Lucas: On friendship

_Sorry about the inordinately cruel delay guys but life suddenly got hideously busy. I shouldn't even be writing this fic now. I should be writing exam notes and cleaning my room and researching why jazz is a form of social protest and finishing that River Song birthday fic for my friend. Fail. I had so much difficulty writing this piece, mainly because Lucas is John does not work with Ros or even just plain Lucas of series eight. I've tried my hardest to make this believable but it was very difficult to get to the 'soul' of this conversation. I always got the impression that Ros and Lucas had a very strong bond and that John would never ever have resurfaced if Ros had been around because in a way Ros was Lucas' lifeline. _

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_Harry Pearce: Lucas, you invited a man who repeatedly tortured you, into your private space. What do you think a psychologist will say about that?_

_Lucas North: No idea, but I have a feeling it might be in Latin._

**Spooks 8.4**

Ros put down the book of William Blake poetry, carelessly, like she hadn't really been reading the back. Actually, knowing Ros she probably hadn't.

"So. William Blake? I wonder what the shrinks would make of your personality from this bookshelf?"

Lucas shrugged. "That I'm in love with a mad man? That deep down I'm in silent rebellion? That underneath my smooth, cool customer exterior I'm secretly a sensitive softie?"

Ros laughed. "Hardly."

He raised one eyebrow. "So sure Ros?"

"You have secrets Lucas, I'll give you that, but you certainly don't have the right or the gravitas to try those shoddy pick up lines with me."

Lucas looked shocked for a moment, then laughed. "Ros! I thought you knew me better than that!"

She smiled. "It was too good an opportunity to pass up."

"What? And I thought we were friends?"

Ros blinked once, surprised. "We are."

The silence grew between them. Lucas felt the distance like it was something physical, something visible. He reached out a hand as though to touch the side of her face but she pulled back, just out of reach.

"I like you best out of everyone here Ros. You want to know why that is?"

She seemed relieved at the change in topic. "Because I don't have a past with you?"

"There is that," he conceded, "but Jo has no past with me, Tariq..."

There was a sharpness that hadn't been there before. He'd hit a nerve. "Tariq is an irritating, forever calculating to annoy, smug, pretentious t-shirt wearing adolescent. Forgive me for failing to see how you and he could ever be more than mere acquaintances."

He laughed. "So charming, Ros. And there you've just answered your own question. We get along because we are similar in many ways. We're distanced and we don't take crap..."

"Unless it's from Sarah in your case..." Ros said studying the ceiling with interest, the curve of a smile and her eyes dancing just a little the only indications of a joke at his expense.

Lucas ignored her. It was the best tactic. "You and me, Ros. We've both got a past, had to learn how to cope with things. We both never took kindly to fools and we're relentlessly loyal."

Her green eyes suddenly turned haunted. "Are we though Lucas? Are we really?"

"Harry would trust you with his life."

"And you too," she said, but the conviction was lacking, even if she was a born liar.

"So," Lucas said eventually, "what's in your past then? Jack Coleville isn't the only skeleton in your closet."

"And what's in yours Lucas North? More than just Russian prison, Oleg Darshavin, Elizabeta and Nancy Drew or I'm a member of Nightingale."

Lucas laughed. "For all I know, you could be."

"It takes one to know one," Ros rejoined, and then frowned as Lucas stiffened. Her voice softened, "It's alright Lucas. I don't have to ever know but if you ever did tell me, I would never, ever judge you." _How could I, with what I've done._

His eyes were tortured, begging. "I didn't want to do it Ros. Please believe me."

She was somewhere faraway. "I had no such excuse Lucas _because I did._ I believed so hard in the damned cause. Every day I'm still here Lucas, I'm paying for it. I'm atoning. I'll always do the best job I can for those I care about because of what I know I am capable of ."

"Atonement," Lucas drew the word out, contemplating the phrase, thoughtful. "I was atoning in that prison, you know. But I think you're better at it than me." He looked close to tears, "deep down I'm weak."

This time it was her hand that reached out. "You weren't weak in that Russian cell, Lucas. Not then, and certainly not now. I might question your taste in women, but I would never, ever question your loyalty to Harry, to me, to the team so stop looking at me like a puppy dog all pitiful and begging from its master for the meal time scraps. We are what we make of ourselves Lucas and it is our decision alone, no one else's."

His words came out small. "Thanks for the lecture."

She moved her hand away. "Lose the self pitying. It gets boring fast."

He managed to smile, properly, as he got up and poured them both a drink.

She nodded at him, acknowledging the effort. "Good man."

Their glasses clinked, the alcohol sloshing at the sides gently.

"Cheers," she said, green eyes level and calm, and in that moment Lucas wondered what he would ever do if she was gone out of his life; what he would do without that cold, acerbic wit, the self assuredness, the command. The very idea was untenable.

* * *

_Ok, guys so I said this was my last snippet but that was before I had my epiphany. I mean how can I possibly finish this fic without the last, possibly the single most important "conversation" that should have been, yet never was. How? A dedication to whoever guesses who the last conversation is between in the reviews :) _


	10. Lucas and Ruth: Exeunt

_This final chapter is dedicated to **Mamzalini** who got the pairing right. Thanks to everyone for RandRing. I tried to make these conversations as simple and as real as possible. Hopefully this one finishes off the fic series well._

* * *

_Harry: Who are you?_

_Lucas: I am nothing._

_-**Spooks 9.8**_

There was no one out looking for him. Not even Harry. That was because Harry had asked Ruth.

"_He'll open up and talk to you in a way he never would have done with me."_

"_I think you're wrong about that."_

"_He doesn't trust me."_

_She'd laughed. "Lucas never trusted anyone." Except Ros._

She put a tired hand on Lucas' shoulder. He was standing by the Thames, not all that far away from Thames House itself. He never seemed to spend much time at home.

He didn't look up. "The colleagues will be alright, Ruth. Don't worry about me."

"But I do. We all do. We know how much Ros meant to you."

He turned and his blue eyes seemed unnerving, piercing. "Did you?"

Ruth cleared her throat, told herself to be brave and said it anyway. "You loved her."

To her surprise Lucas began to laugh; all hideous chortling and with a slightly hysterical edge. "It wasn't that kind of love Ruth. Just because you're in love with Harry, he with you, and you both dance around each other like you're still unsure about what feelings mean, doesn't mean the rest of us are the same."

She bit down hard on her tongue to stop an angry, hurt reply. "How did you know?"

"Oh come on Ruth. Everyone knows."

She tried to regain some of the lost pride, tilting her chin up slightly, trying to look like she didn't care. "Oh. But I thought..."

"That I hadn't noticed?" Lucas' face fell. He put an arm awkwardly around her. "I didn't till Ros told me. And I didn't mean for it to come out like that."

"What did you mean then?"

"I'm upset, Ruth. We say things we don't mean when we're hurting, cruel, unkind things. I'm sorry."

"It was the truth though wasn't it?"

He didn't answer for a bit. "Everyone has truths Ruth. Sometimes more than one. The truth is complex and confusing and messy. What is your truth? What is my truth? Are they the same?"

"That's not answering the question."

"Because you already know the answer." He took her arm and pulled her off the river edge. "I'm restless. Let's walk."

They strolled along the embankment. "So Ros was just a friend?"

He looked at her quizzically. "_Just_ a friend? No. She was much, much more than that. But it wasn't the kind of love you were talking about Ruth. She knew me as I knew her. I'll miss her." His eyes crinkled at the edges. He swallowed and breathed in and out once; slowly, steadily.

"We had difficult times, we were two very different women, but I respected Ros, she respected me. She saw past the usual armoury and defences. She cut you to the quick but you always knew where you stood with her."

Lucas stopped, looked at Ruth like he was really seeing her for the first time. He was speaking so softly she didn't know if he was still talking to her at all. "You always were the deepest one, the one who saw the furthest."

She tried to laugh. It came out all wrong. "So are you Lucas. Deep, I mean. Will anyone ever really know what you are thinking anymore?" She shivered a little. It sounded like an accusation.

He was still staring at her, like she was a little mad, like he was afraid of her.

"_Who knows what you have spoken to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all your life seems to shrink, the walls of your bower closing in about you..."_

She raised an eyebrow, a little surprised. It was her who usually made the literary links. "Lord of the Rings? Eowyn? I suppose you could see it that way."

He still had a look of fear about him. "What we do Ruth, what all of us do every day, none of us can ever really know what it costs the other."

She shook her head, defiant. "No. But we can try. We can empathise, we can sympathise, we can guess."

"That's what worries me," he said cryptically. But then he smiled. "I'll be O.K Ruth, really. I've lost colleagues before and I've persevered and I've kept doing my job. I'll be fine."

"So you keep saying."

"It's what I have to keep saying."

Ruth could understand that. She left him standing straight and tall against the backdrop of The Thames. He was still staring after her with a puzzled expression on his face, like she had worked something important out, something the others hadn't.

She filed the feeling away for later. Maybe it was important, maybe it wasn't. She didn't have time for it now.

There was never enough time...

* * *

_The next Spooks fic on the horizon is a Lucas/Ruth/Tom fic that incorporates capture in 9.8 with memories of s2 Tom and 3.7 with Forrestal. I've always wanted to write a fic about 3.7 and I think it will fit in well here. However, don't expect this oneshot any time too soon as I have exams next week. Alas. Fic writing is more fun._


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